A work in progress..

So it's been several months since the disappearing act of Mr Alabama. That really hurt and I was pretty upset for a while. How was it that this person who wasn't really in my life for that long have such an affect on me? For a while I kept asking myself that question. Then, it finally dawned on me, the hurt that I was feeling, why it felt so bad was because I never really let myself feel the hurt and the pain that my ex husband caused. I had been so busy adjusting to my new circumstances, being focused with the kids and just trying to get my mind off things that I never really had the time to process everything and really evaluate what happened. Needless to say, it had finally all caught up with me. Having Mr Alabama leave shouldn't have hurt that much but his disappearing act was an obvious sign of rejection. The same feeling that I felt when my ex husband had rejected me in pursuit of someone else. So, with this new realization, I spent most of February re-evaluating and re-inventing ME. If I was ever going to be happy and I mean truly happy with myself, I needed to check myself. I thought about who I was and how I turned out. Was I happy with who I had become? The truth was, no I wasn't. I lost myself. I lost my confidence, my personality and my power. So, I started reading blogs, articles and books from women who had been through something like this for inspiration. I found an image that I posted on Facebook as a way to remind me that I was a work in progress. #ChristinaAguileraismyidol

I love this. It is a great reminder for me and for those who are re-inventing yourselves, remember, redefining yourself is not an overnight thing!! With this in mind, I wrote down little goals to achieve every month: 2014 - Redefine Me, January - Internal analysing, where I want to go, where I want to be, healthy habits, reconnect with old friends, meet new people - DONE February - drop the last 5 kgs, increase flexibility and muscle tone, quit smoking, run 10km, go out dancing!!, learn something new. I started eating healthy, not just because I wanted to drop the last 5kgs, but because I knew that in order to achieve these, I needed to be healthy inside and out. The result so far...I am now only 1kg away from my goal weight that I have spent the last 7 years trying to achieve. This was taken in January 2014:

This was taken March 2014:

These weren't drastic changes that would shock my system. They were small changes but they were consistent and slowly the results are starting to show. So, if you're like me and you can't really stick to anything when you make drastic changes, i.e. diet, keep the goal small. It might take longer, but you will still see a result. Since these changes, I am now enjoying going out and finding new outfits to suit my personality and style. At the moment I am really loving the idea of Boho Luxe. Next goal... grow my hair.. have healthy hair!!

2013 in Retrospect - Christmas and New Years

So things seemed to blossom between Mr Alabama and I. We got to know each other really well from an online level. We talked about him moving here, the process on getting a visa and starting our lives together. For the first time in months, I felt happy. Although there was always something not quite right in the back of my mind. Is it my subconscious telling me something? Perhaps. But I was happy and although it I know I had just gotten out of a 9 year relationship, to me, this felt safe because he was there and I was here. The distance was my security that I could heal at the same time. Christmas was certainly different. The kids and I celebrated Christmas out of town. However, it wasn't completely as relaxed as I had hoped. The Grinch, and this is why he is called The Grinch, decided to message me on Christmas Day to say he was only going to put through half of the child support because he felt that as he would have them for one week, he didn't need to put the whole amount through. On Christmas Day! For one thing, the child support payments are calculated over a 52 week period. Secondly, The Grinch doesn't actually know what the definition of child support means and what it's used for. So how do you reason with someone who hasn't done his homework? You can't. In the midst of the text war that took place between The Grinch and I, I received a message from Mr Alabama to say that he misses me which couldn't have come at a better time. A conversation with him reminded me that there are good men out there and the difference between a man and a boy. The Grinch takes "momma's boy" to a whole new level or maybe not? Maybe this is the true definition of "momma's boy". A 33 year old man who lives with his mum, sleeps in the same room as her, plays as much Playstation as he wants and lives a life of not really having that much responsibility. He's definitely playing the "poor me" card. When my children are over there, Miss 9 and Miss 8 are allowed to play Grand Theft Auto (which is R18 BTW), he only has them for 30 hours and in that time has naps and leaves the minding to his mum while he naps. Lucky him! He doesn't cook, putting pre-seasoned frozen potatoes and chicken nuggets in the oven doesn't count as cooking. They spend a lot of time at fast food outlets. The girls have noticed that he spends more time playing with their brother than managing his time evenly with all 3 kids. But, who am I to say anything? I can't, he refuses to listen. All I hope is that one day, my children will realise and see the efforts of their mum, the time she spent with them, no naps needed, and how strong their mum was to do this on her own. I'm digressing... New Years was relatively quiet. A few drinks with friends, I was home by 1am. It was definitely an odd feeling not having my children or a husband around. All I can say is that, at the stroke of midnight, I could finally breathe and say "see ya later 2013, you were a bitch!" And shed a tear or two. The following night would be Mr Alabama's New Year and it started off great. We talked i.e. Skyped and then 15 mins in to a conversation... I heard a female voice and then he hung up. A few minutes later, I get messages to say I was too good for him, I deserved better and that he didn't feel I was as in to it as he was?? I never heard from him again.

2013 in Retrospect - Mr Alabama

Mr Alabama... Who was he? He was a boy I met online in the times of yahoo messenger, when social media was just starting. We were pen pals. We even spoke on the phone several times. Funnily enough, I remember my mum bringing up a conversation about how she had all these phone bills to calls in Alabama and she assumed it was my dad doing stuff on the Internet and not really knowing what he was doing. I still haven't told her it was me. Guess I'll have to tell her. So Mr Alabama was now a man with 2 kids of his own. We got chatting on Facebook and he was a little drunk. But then again I was too and he was a great distraction for the day so we carried on chatting. In the midst of all the chatting, my sister messages me asking if I wanted to go and play tennis. i'd like to add that I am not good at tennis at all. Hey, I had no plans, why not. This should be interesting after 3 glasses of white. So off we went to have a game completely distracted because I was still conversing with Mr Alabama at the same time. And he, i guess i'll just say, was horny! He wanted to Skype after my game. I don't generally Skype. I hate seeing myself on camera. It could be just lack of self confidence but anyway I agreed. So I shower, put on some makeup and get myself ready for this chat. I have no idea what the etiquette of Skype chatting is. Do you put on make up just for that? Who knows. So he calls, I'm so nervous. The first 10 minutes was incredibly awkward. After talking about how awesome it was to talk after all these years, Mr Alabama pulls out his wanger! And like a school girl, I start giggling. What the hell is supposed to happen now? I don't remember saying much, just a lot of watching. And there right in front of me, Mr Alabama pleasured himself. Was it a rush? Was it completely inappropriate? Probably. It was exciting and definitely something to remember. We carried on chatting for a couple of hours after that, he sang a few songs and I have to admit, he's actually pretty good. Then we exchanged cellphone numbers and said our good nights. That night, I went to bed completely relaxed and happy without a thought of what my husbands infidelities. For the next couple of weeks after that we chatted a lot. I knew I wasn't over anything from my marriage. I still had a lot of stuff to work on but he was a great distraction and I knew that this could all come crashing down. And it did! I treated this like we were together, like we were exclusive. I wasn't ready to trust and that definitely came through. I can't remember exact details but my insecurities came through and I started widely accusing of so many things. We stopped messaging and I had time to calm down and think things through. He was right. I was incredibly insecure, I couldn't trust and I have issues. Well that was pretty obvious! So I did what I had left, I wrote to him a long winded letter apologizing for my actions, my feelings and realistically the trauma that I went through. I'll never really know if he read it completely but I felt better putting it in writing. He messaged me a day later. In the weeks after that we would message each other. I'd try my best to separate my feelings of betrayal from one man and talk about my feelings with this man. Again, I knew this would turn out horribly wrong. But this was a time of trial and error. Then there was a time when our messages weren't synchronizing and he would receive messages out of sync and reply. I would receive weird replies that didn't make sense and in frustration it turned in to a ridiculous fight over nothing. Just bad mobile networks.

2013 in Retrospect - Life Anew

We moved on the last day of winter. The first day of spring was spent unpacking and organizing. I needed to get the bathroom, the girls room, the cot ready and the kitchen. I still had work and so didn't have a lot of time to sort through everything. The place was much smaller and more expensive in rent but... we got to move to an area I felt safe in, near the school and near my job. I knew I would have to tough it out financially. But it was fresh. It wasn't tainted with bad memories and the kids were near their friends. We managed. I managed. Juggling full time work, homework, time with the kids. Slowly, I worked through each room to make it feel like home. I would celebrate each room with a smoke and a glass of wine. I only had one day a week where I was children free and that was how I spent my Saturdays. Facebook played a part of my time with friends messaging me on how I was going, reassuring me that life would get better. Pinterest was another new find that played a part in all this providing me with design inspiration on how to create and design a home I wanted. Needless to say, my couch got moved around several times till it finally settled to where it is now. The same place it started! Haha. I bought new artworks to put on the wall, New York and Paris. The two favorite places of my daughters. One day, we will go there. I took out old photos in frames and replaced them with new fresh ones of the kids. And on the day that I finally finished sorting through my bedroom with a new quilt cover, Mr Alabama came in to my life. By way of Facebook of course!

2013 in Retrospect - The End and The Beginning

So he was gone. There was a weight off my shoulders. A load (just one) had been lifted and even though the weight on my shoulders was still heavy, with The Grinch gone, I felt a little lighter. I found out later that day that The Slut went mental at him and told him to go slit his wrists, not across but downwards and to do a good job at it. Wow she knew more than me! That he should go and jump in front of a bus and kill himself for what he put HER through. Her 4 month relationship that was built on what?? Lies and deception. Sneaking around. For all I know, he's probably screwed her in the family car that I drive around in now. Don't worry... according to Google you'll get over it in half that time, 2 months. Honey, I have 4.5 years, well actually 4 years now, 6 months has gone by already. So with her ranting and raving, she's a WINNER! So now the process of starting life with 3 kids on my own begins. I had a list of what I needed to do. I had counselling, he would come over and help as much as he can. And in that time, we tried again briefly but his lies just continued and in the end I called it quits. I do remember over that time, I prayed a lot! And smoked a lot too. I didn't drink. One thing I knew was that I was not going to drown my sorrows on a bottle of wine. I still had 3 kids to look after. They needed me to be there for them. I remember attempting to go to the mall because I needed to pick something up. The last thing I wanted to do was to face people at this time but I had to. I told myself, I'm just going in and out. As fast as I can. I went in perfectly fine but as I was waiting to pay, I could feel the tightness in my chest, I could feel my anxieties and I could hardly breathe. I needed to get out of there quick. But I have been waiting for so long to pay for this and I am next in the queue, I thought. Holding back the tears, trying to breathe calmly, in through the nose and out through the mouth, I make it. I pay and I literally get my ass out of that mall as fast as I can. I load my poor baby in the car, secure him in and start the car. I didn't even make it out of the car park. I burst in to tears, the pain.. it hurts. It F hurt like crazy. I was definitely not ready to face people. What was interesting with that experience though was that in the following week, I got a job! I pulled my ass out of bed, put on an outfit and went to the interview. I knew I needed a job to financially support my kids. It's amazing how your brain can automatically change when you need to go in to survival mode and all of a sudden you feel a sense of determination and strength. I'm sure a lot of women have felt this at some point. So, I had a job. Great, next on my list, a new place. I found one within a week and we would be moving in 3 weeks. I had 3 weeks to try and pack. I didn't. The process was too hard. So, while the children were with their dad for the weekend, I had my family come over and help me do the packing. I needed that. I couldn't do it all on my own, to go through everything, toss out what was unnecessary and keep what I needed. I did learn a valuable lesson. No matter what, family is important. If it wasn't for them, for my mum comforting me, my dad's advice and knowledge (he had been through this before)and my sister who did her best to listen and distract me I wouldn't be where I am today. So I have my family to be thankful for. I knew I still needed financial help to move and start over and therefore, I made an appointment with Work and Income. There, I learnt some very important lessons. My case manager had either been through this herself, or has had multiple experiences with this because she advised me on what I needed to do and they have proved to be invaluable. Lets just say that one advice certainly threw The Grinch in to a rage!

2013 in Retrospect - Counselling

One thing I knew after hearing about the affair was that I needed to be strong for my children. I knew that I would need counselling. A lot! I knew that after 9 years of being with someone, according to Google, it would take half that time to get over this. 4 and a half years! Really, it would take me that long to finally feel free of this hurt? I didn't want it to take that long. That felt like an eternity. So after making a few calls, made an appointment with a psychotherapist. In the meantime, he had also organised couples counselling. Ok, we it seemed we were making progress at trying to work through this. We saw the couples counselor first, she advised him that he needed to think what he is about to throw away and lose if he wanted to go down the road and be with "The Home wrecker". He said he wanted to work on us but he still had immense feelings for the other person. Love. I just remember thinking, how can it be love? So.. it was suggested that we go on dates to reconnect again and to not contact her over this period. So we did. We laughed, had fun, watched a movie. We were couple again doing couple stuff. He would look at me and tell me, he loved me and though guarded, I accepted it. I always thought though, am I just settling? Over the next two weeks, I was constantly thinking about what he was up to as work, what time he'll be home etc. I'd think about whether this was all worth it. Will there be a happy ending after all this? I was determined to try at least. He asked how I found out what her number, stupidly, I told him. Guess what he did! Changed the password of his mobile account. And told me I didn't have anything to worry about. He wasn't making contact with her but he just wanted some privacy!!! That didn't sit right with me. Three weeks after, first thing Sunday morning, I asked him, have you contacted her since. I got a NO. It still didn't feel right, so I asked him to message her. I wanted to know what her response was. If it was over, you'd definitely get an angry text or a text to say leave me alone. She's a chick, its what most women would do after finding out a guy has been playing two women at the same time right? Well, the message that came back was.. "Oh no, this sounds serious" and numerous texts messages after that asking for an explanation on what is happening. I found out that they had given this counselling 3 months and if there was no progress he would still leave and be with her. I couldn't believe that he put a time limit on this! I flew in to a rage... composure GONE! I told him to get the F out, pack his shit and piss off! in the midst of it all, she calls him and in anger I tell him that he better get that call so he answers! And there I was standing in our bedroom, tears rolling down, watching my husband have a conversation with his mistress. She wants to talk to me?? WTF, she's a slut and a home wrecker! What was her stupid small mind thinking? I hated him! Still do! As he was packing, I grabbed my sewing scissors and started cutting up all his good clothes. The slut didn't deserve to see him in his Sunday best! Needless to say, I am now dubbed the ex-wife who lost it, cut his clothes up, threw him out and psychologically mental! Well to the best of my knowledge, that's what he and his mum have been going round saying. However, the team backing me up have all agreed, what did he expect? And he was lucky that's all that was cut up. So who knows which is right and which is wrong. You make your mind up about that. I'm still processing. So, while "The Grinch"was packing up his belongings, I start receiving messages from her. Stuff they did together, what she did for him, he talked about how he wished for me to die, how I liked it in the bedroom... EVERYTHING! Everything I ever shared with him, intimate and personal, this Slut knew. I was humiliated. What and who the hell did I marry? My oldest daughter heard me yelling (obviously) "How can you wish for your wife to die. We have children!" When my parents arrived to take the kids away, she told them everything she heard. Then told my parents that she hopes her mum marries someone else that will love her. Poor thing! Three weeks after The Truth, he leaves with the clothing he had left, a rubbish bin full of his tattered clothing and a sorry.

2013 in Retrospect - The Affair

We all make new year resolutions. Whether we voice them to our friends and family or we keep them to ourselves, we all make goals for what we would like to achieve in the new year. 2013 was a pretty shitty year for me. We had just celebrated our 8th year wedding anniversary and I thought Phew! We got past the 7 year itch! Well, that turned out to be wrong. What happened next was an absolute shocker that I wouldn't wish on anyone no matter how much I didn't like them. A week after the anniversary (and I mean exactly a week!), "The Grinch" (that's his name and I'll explain why later) comes home from work incredibly moody and silent. So I leave him to it with whatever he was sulking about and do my thing. I went to the grocery store grabbed a few things needed for school lunches and went home. He was still in a mood, looking at this phone so I went to bed and read a book. At 10.30pm, 24th June, 2013, he comes in and asks me if I knew why he was quiet. He proceeds to tell me he doesn't love me like a man should love his wife and that he was leaving. There are no words to explain to you what that feels like but I can tell you the thoughts that ran through my mind. Wow, so this is what the end of a marriage feels like... If he doesn't love me anymore then I can't force him to love me... You have to let him go.. So, after a long silence, I tell him if that's how he feels then I guess this is it. He says he'll sleep in the girls room and leave me to it. I remember just sitting there thinking WTF, what the hell just happened. Replaying events in my head that could lead to this. We just celebrated our 8th year wedding anniversary, we just spent a beautiful winter morning having coffee with our 1 year old son (we took photos!)... I started talking to a friend on Facebook and told her what jut happened. Then I heard him snore next door. How the hell can he go to sleep after dropping a bomb like that!! I remember thinking, NO WAY! I deserve to know the truth! So I went in to my girls room and woke him up. After pressing the issue more, finally at 4.30am in the morning I found out, he had been having an intimate affair at work with a work colleague and he wanted to pursue the relationship further and be with her. Do you want to know what that feels like hearing your husband tell you he's been seeing someone else? It's like being punched in the chest and having something heavy on it that won't move, there's a lump in your throat, you can't breath and you feel internally sick. Slowly the details start coming out. My initial thoughts were The Kids! Trying to stay composed, I told him that he needed to really think about this and that he had kids he needed to think about. I made him call his mum (rational thinking was not part of my vocabulary at that time!)and tell her what has happened and she said the same thing and to not make any drastic decisions. Then I remembered, there was a time when he wanted me to check his mobile info because he ran out of text credit a month ago. I remember seeing the list of text messages being sent. I remember seeing the same number a lot. At that time I just thought it was a male work colleague (well.. it was a work colleague alright! and.. she had a manly name! so, I was half right!) But I remember thinking that it was odd that messages were being sent at all hours of the day. So I went on the laptop and looked at it again. I got the number and as you do with no rational thinking, I messaged her and told her to leave him alone while we work through this. I received a reply "He's a grown ass man, he can make his own decisions" Those words will prove ironic later one. Well, that was obviously the wrong move! I saw my husband, in all the years that we had been together behave like an child throwing a tantrum. Imagine this, he finds out, starts yelling "why did you message her?" Stomps off down the hallway, in to my daughters room, gets in to the sleeping bag and throws the covers over his head in a huff! I go in (without raising my voice, I remember this because I just thought, this is ridiculous, a 32 year old man throwing a tantrum) and ask him why he is acting that way. I kid you not, looking down at him, listening, watching him as he explains, was like watching my daughters talk to me in the middle of a tantrum. And they were 7 and 8 years old! As the details of the affair came out, it felt like daggers were being thrown at me. I remember standing there in the kitchen thinking I should throw something at him but I didn't. Instead I just stood there in shock as every detail was re-lived. I remember standing there watching him leave the kitchen, go to the toilet, vomit and come back. He tells me he doesn't know why he's vomiting. I coolly tell him "that's all your guilt wanting to come out. I don't know if there's any psychological truth to that. It just felt good saying it at that time. His mother was calling as many people as she knew to try and do some kind of damage control. Pastors, counselors etc. She wanted us to stay put while she tried to sort something about. That week, was the most awkward, uncomfortable week I have ever lived. We were strangers in our home. We hardly talked, I stayed in our room, he stayed in the living room. To be honest, I don't even remember how we managed to feed the kids, sort them out for the day and deal with them at home with dinner and homework. My son was one and I can't even remember how I spent time with him during that week. On Thursday, his mum managed to get us in to see her Pastor to talk things through. Great! I would have to endure more details of this affair. And yes I did! So much that I walked out of the room. I didn't want to hear anymore. There's only so much one can take especially if she's trying to maintain her composure and be dignified in all this. I don't know why my brain and body went in to this mode trying to act like a composed and emotionless person. Maybe it was my way of trying to maintain control over something I had no control of. He agreed to do couples counselling